six days till I’m married

When it comes to weddings, it seems to be the thing, that everybody asks “are you excited”.
Which is fair enough i guess but I’m a bit fed up of people looking shocked when i say no, but obviously I’m very much looking forward to marrying R.
To be honest, all my feelings have been in a knot, about where my diaphragm is. And the last day or so I’ve been really grumpy with R.
I was talking to my dad about all this and he very wisely pointed out that maybe i ought to talk to my intended.
So we talked.
Its hard because he and i do our emotions very differently. He is on an even keel, and although I know he loves me very much, just doesn’t do the highs and lows.

I tend to wave at the middle ground as i pass it by on my way up or down.

I have found that the very public thing called our wedding day has crashed against my deep and very private feelings about R.
Hence the knot.

I think my diary is keeping me sane. As i write this morning, it gave me the time and space i needed to take a look at how i really feel.
Past the “not excited”, past the knot of feeling.
When i looked i found the deep joy i feel in having R in my life and the slow burn of love i have for him, which i know will last all our married life. The knot has unwound a little, and the inner has joy bubbled up a and i find myself, dare i say it, excited about my wedding day.

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