A sudden spike of grief

Garden close upsI have known for a very long time that there would be no children. These days, for ninety- nine percent of the time, I am genuinely at peace with it, but then every now and then a little spike of grief comes along.

It has prompted me to repost a poem I wrote nearly ten years ago. I have changed a word or two, but the sentiment remains.

I know two other women who will very much know what I mean, and to them and any others who read this and say, yes, I’m with you… my love to you, stay strong.

It’s called “Lime green baby grow“:

There is no way to explain

The terrible void
And lonely path,
This burning desire.
How can I say
About the everyday dull ache,
The sudden breathless pain
Caused by a baby grow in a shop.
What words to use
For the wrenching grief
The earth shifting sense of loss
For the children I have never had.
And who is there to tell?
How could my friends
With their child filled lives
Ever understand?
And even those who
have suffered
The Good Friday
of childlessness
Now have their
parental Easter day.
And what can I say to a church
That helps people understand
Gods love
Through the feelings they have
for their children?
Who is there then,
That knows this pain
Or who would at least
cry with me,
Rather than giving
fluffy platitudes
Of oh there’s time yet
Or so and so has adopted…
These words
They comfort only the giver.
They leave me bereft,
Still childless.
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